There is an expression in reference to consequences be damned, always try. It's called "Shooting Your Shot". It's the mantra that allows a salesperson who can close a deal from cold calls would use. It's the type of logic that would allow a patron at Hooters to say a tired pick-up line to a waitress & presume she'll whisper in his ear that her shift is over in two more hours. It's a Molotov cocktail of ignorance & determination, and this story about shooting your shot is what makes it simultaneously spectacular & sad.
Forgive me for not recalling some of the particulars.
About two years ago while traveling for work as a contractor, as I went to lunch, a phone number was written on a scrap of paper & tucked under my windshield wiper. I texted it and had a back and forth with a young lady for a week or so. She was Hispanic, in her early twenties, and very cute. Throughout this time, she was unrelenting in three things:
1: Not answering the phone for an actual call.
2: No additional proof of her identity.
3: Requests for photos of my genitalia.
At a certain point, I became incredibly annoyed, lashed out at they young lady, and informed her I would never be communicating with her again. While going through some text messages around Christmas of that year, I saw the last one I sent her and felt bad about that message. Though I can be a prick, it is not my preference to genuinely hurt people's feelings. I felt that the right thing to do was to call this young woman, and though things between us went sideways, wish her the best. The phone rings, I listen the effeminate "Hello?" of a male, and at that point I am certain he could hear the grin on my face reaching Cheshire-ish levels.
Got eem!
Me: I cannot be happier right now.
Him: Who is this?
Me: Oh...you KNOW who this is. Well, I hope you have a happy holidays, and I wish you the best! Take care!
Within a few seconds, I receive some apologetic texts and what I thought were more interesting, requests to let bygones be bygones and see this thing through in a way that benefits him. He's not done shooting, but I'm certainly done respecting. Of the few things I don't find to be attractive characteristics in the women I would be willing to spend time with, at the top of the list would definitely be liars, and right above that would be NOT WOMEN. But, I am not unreasonable. I was absolutely willing to entertain his idea of my letting him slide on his deception and meeting him for the unequivocal best night I had to offer. I would have given him every bit of passion and every ounce of affection in my being. Hell, for the time we would be together, he might have even seen what could be misconstrued as love in the hands of the wrong person. All he had to do was come up with a paltry, dare I say meager, $100,000.
Yup. Fella could've had the whole damn kit and caboodle for the low end of six figures. I should probably clarify a few things before continuing:
-Yes, I am aware of the fact that really isn't a lot of money in the big scheme of things.
-At the time, I had a judgement looming over my head that would have cost me around $400,000. I can do the math & see obviously that the first number isn't that number. But remember...
-Dude left his number on my car windshield outside of a major retailer. I was banking more on me pricing myself out as opposed to me low balling the number.
Either way, I was (thankfully) right on me pricing myself out as he continued to try to haggle & knock down the number. I was steadfast in my determination to not negotiate with the lying male as six figures would've still been a bit of a struggle to come to terms with the "A Clockwork Orange" kaleidoscope of nightmarish imagery I would have subjected myself to for the remainder of my days. He eventually relented and we never spoke to each other again...
Until Tuesday, June 2nd, 2015 at 8:42am CST
Him: Hey.
Me: Hey!
...Forgive me, I don't know who this is.
Him: If you have kik, we can catch up. We used to text.
Me: Pleeeeease tell me you're in Baton Rouge.
Him: Lol. Why?
Me: Because I will know exactly who this is if you are.
Him: How lol. I don't think you do.
Me: Well then, what is your name?
Him: We didn't have the best friendship. You told me to gtf last time we texted a year over a year ago.
Me: There was probably a reason for that. More than likely because you lied from the beginning. I don't know too many good "friendships" that start with lies. You?
Him: No.
Me: So, what are you doing? Because you are struggling with the g'ing tf portion of gtf.
Him: What do you mean what am I doing? And you really have a way with words lol
Me: I mean, why have you texted me again?
Him: Because I was in my old phone and saw the message and just thought I'd say hello.
Me: Well, hello back. I hope you're well. Don't reply to this or speak to me ever again.
Him: Wow.
Me: You're awful at following directions.
Him: I'm not. I just really want this to work out.
Me: I was clear about my terms.
Him: What can I do to fix this?
Me: Any of these will work:
1: Be who you originally purported yourself to be.
2: Come up with the number I told you I required to "fix this".
3: Disappear.
Him: Are you mad as you "sound"?
And if I dropped two of the zeros, would that be enough?
Me: Am I not worth the other $99k to you?
Him: You are. But you're trying to break the bank.
Me: Uhhh, yeah.
Him: :-)
Me: So the next text you send me, ever, needs to consist of a picture of a check & a request for a PO Box. Otherwise, don't exist. Understood?
Him: IF I decided to do such and only drop one zero, you still wouldn't meet. And I definitely wouldn't send a check to anyone by p.o. box and risk getting screwed.
Me: I'm the one, more than likely, if you got what you're looking for, that would end up getting screwed. And I wouldn't do a damn thing with you if you dropped a zero. My terms have been clear.
Him: So, you're saying if I pay the six figures you would?
Me: Yep. I would throw my pride out of the window & give a liar pretending to be something he is not, the absolute best time I have to offer.
Him: And your terms are really unbelievable. I guess money doesn't move you. Oh my goodness. I like the sound of the last part. And I'm not sure what you mean by pretending to be something. I'm not really not sure what you meant by that.
Me: What I meant was you pretended to be a female as a way to get to know me better. You should've just put a dollar amount on the paper. I do better with cash than I do with insincerity.
Him: Well, since then I have learned to just be upfront with people. Can you forgive me? If I really knew I would blow all of my chances I never would have done that. But besides that, I don't do the pretend thing anymore.
Me: Sir, I have no desire to be with a man in any way that trends towards intimacy. However, I am not above a price. It appears that price is too steep for you, & that's fine. If this is purely about forgiveness, then fine, I forgive you. But, it has nothing to do with whether or not I wish to ever speak to you again. What does, is a large sum of money.
Him: I KNOW you have no desire to be intimate. That has been clear since day one. Are you interested in massage services one way or the other?
Me: I
AM
INTERESTED
IN
MOTHER
FUCKING
CASH
SIR
Him: How much cash?
Me: Six figures. Don't play dumb.
Him: Im not giving anyone on this planet that kind of money for one experience. Nobody does that.
Me: Agreed. It definitely appears as though I've priced myself out of us having any kind of experience.
Him: You have.
Me: Que sera, sera.
Him: Whatever will be, will be.
Me: Lose my number.
Him: Okay.
This is the last I've heard from this person. Hopefully, it continues to be the last I hear from them. I have a lot of respect for people who are relentless. It is a trait that I wish I had more of in my personality because I know I'd be more successful in my endeavors. However, there is a problem when one can't see that their unrelenting is flat-out harassment and abusive. This was fun and funny and I'm happy to share it with anyone who reads it. But there are many times where people are put in somewhat similar situations that aren't nearly as amusing and are definitely more dangerous. It wasn't my intention to turn this into an after school special, but it's a real problem and I hope it gets addressed more often than it does. In the meantime, fingers crossed that fella never hits the lottery. Yeesh...
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